hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
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my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
this article brought to you by lions
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Your secret is safeish with me
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
i spent way too long on this
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here