Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
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I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
when dads have a rap battle
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.