The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.