For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
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Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Who chose this font
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂