Horrifying if literal: shit storm
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Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
lol
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
That 👊
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
In space, no one can hear…