Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
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shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
this country is so goddamn polarized
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.