MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
*exercises sarcastically*
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Pikachu found the lost joint
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.