Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
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I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
The options really are this bad
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.