Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
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The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
when there are deer in the woods
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
shut up and take my money
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”