Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
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Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Smells like a challenge to me
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.