check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
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When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Happy thanksgiving!
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp