The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
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*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100