Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
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I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
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Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.