“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
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Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.