Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
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Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.