My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
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This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My dad teaching me to drive
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)