I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
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Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Imma just leave this here…………
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
get you a girl who
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve