Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
You Might Also Like
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa