Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
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Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
A new level of troll.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Monica just destroyed the internet
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.