Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
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The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards