I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
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Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”