MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
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ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.