Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
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I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.