*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
You Might Also Like
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.