I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
You Might Also Like
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
kitchen magnet
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
wow he looks just like him
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.