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The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I can’t deal with men any longer
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Seems legit