I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
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[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Monday
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
never deleting this app.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.