Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.