Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
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Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.