“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
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She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Where is your GOD now????
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.