Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
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I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
everyone’s a critic
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t