me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
This pepper has seen some shit
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.