Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
You Might Also Like
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.