(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
The real reason evolution started..😂
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
decorating my apartment
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Bro what is this
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*