History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
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ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.