I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
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The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art