“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
<- sleeps well with others
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay