Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
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I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Confused owl: What?!
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05