You Might Also Like
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.