my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
You Might Also Like
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”