Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
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I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO