Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
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Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Coffee is ready.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.