[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
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Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.