Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH