HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.