I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
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People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.