Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
You Might Also Like
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
handsome & gretel
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
is it earth
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower