My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
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Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
What even happened today?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.