My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
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Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog