I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
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‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.